So lately the number one question has been about my tattoo. The infamous “what does it mean?” and “why did you get that?” A little information about it: it is a french quote I caught onto about a month or two ago that I fell in love with. It is “Je ne veux pas mourire tout suele ” which in translation means “I don’t want to die all alone.” I thought I knew and was confident enough to answer this question until I really started thinking about it and then some of the obvious were slapped in my face. Why did I get it?
I once heard someone say that in every major transition of one’s life, many decide to get a tattoo to mark the milestone; I believe…well I know that this was the marking of an addiction I needed to drop therefore making my transition to something new. I, once upon a time, was telling myself that one of my biggest fears in life was in fact that I would end up all alone when in fact it was much bigger than that. Ive been through plenty of relationships, dated numerous amounts of guys/men and yet somehow ive always managed to get myself alone by distancing myself or just keeping my walls up. And what burnt me up inside the most was that most of this was and is still in fact my fault and my biggest flaw. Recently I found myself distancing myself and giving up on possibilities by allowing myself to go back to the one thing that I believe has been holding me back the most from moving forward. It’s weird, I give advice about moving on and somehow manage to enforce being strong to friends of mine, yet at times I find myself crumbling in the late hours of night, lost at the same station I’ve been for about 6 months now and somehow I keep missing the train because of “what ifs.” I used to always joke that there are 3 things I always go back to like a coke addict relapsing: my career, my cigarettes and the most deadly of them all, my ex. After all, I am human… don’t I deserve a couple relapses here and there?
After realizing what my obstacles were with a couple drawbacks, I knew exactly what I had to do which is when I finally went in to get the tattoo. I was marking the day I’d finally take my own advice, listen to my own words and move on with my own life. We all have that one person we will always go back to, the one who every now and then will cross our minds and allow memories to flood back in late at night when silence is the only thing swallowing us up. And that’s ok, because then in the morning an opportunity arrives to wake up and start the brand new day and move one step further. After all, we’re human, we love and we let go and the middle of it all, we miss. I don’t know why humanity suppresses that four lettered word all the time and most feel it’s a crime to say, “You know… I miss him/her”. I miss us.
There will always be that one person who will forever have chipped off a piece of that heart and taken it with them along with all that you built. However, the problem kicks in when you dwell and when you don’t allow yourself to heal. It takes time and with time it takes courage to slowly start embracing the world and even love again, that’s one thing I’ve learned through all this. That it’s not impossible, and it is not difficult, it’s all just a matter of time. Time is so relevant and important in almost every situation in life. When you realize all this, you’ve marked your mile stone. This is where I am at now. To state the obvious about our specie, we like to blame a lot and never take fault for anything. If something doesn’t work out we find a scapegoat and say, “wasn’t me, it was you” I even remember someone very close to me telling that when he wants to move on from a female companion, he simply focuses on her flaws and in a matter of time, he’s onto the next. But are we cheating ourselves by going about it this way? Aren’t we just lying to ourselves rather than facing the truth and fixing it? I realized that the recent men in my life haven’t been flawed themselves; it’s been me with the problem. I compare. Probably more than should be legal. This is the incorrect way to go about it. No two people will ever be the same, everyone shines in different areas of their lives and everyone will shine in different areas of a relationship. So to compare one relationship to another is erroneous. Id never be able to move on and find someone new if I did this. If somehow I wormed my way out of another relationship because well, he isn’t him and I just can’t deal with it, forever leaving me lonely. And that word haunts me, because in reality… who really wants to be lonely.
So my advice to you, give yourself the okay to miss that someone. Write it on a paper if you have to as if writing a letter to them. Then burn it and let it in the air on hopes that somehow it reaches the universe and disperses along with all bad habits brought on by a past relationship. Go to bed, wake up the next day and remind yourself… There’s always going to be the good and the bad. No person is perfect, and no one relationship will ever be divine. And yes it will always be difficult going through the process of getting to know a new person all over again. But that is what love is. It is a journey and a wonderful at that one.
That is what my tattoo means to me. That no matter the hardships, the heartbreaks, the tears, the pain… no matter how many times I break and have to put myself back together, I will never give up on that one thing, Love. It is a constant reminder everytime i get naked of my very own flaws and mistakes and what steps i should take in order to achieve love and achieve self satisfaction. It is a reminder that vulnerability can be a bliss and that sometimes the walls i build up so high need to be brought down. Because at the end, I don’t [and refuse] to die all alone.